It’s Valentine’s Day so let’s wrangle with love a bit, starting with an old Peggy Lee song, “I Love You But I Don’t Like You.” 

If you’ve been around the horn a time or two, you know exactly what she’s saying — that a person can love another deeply … but not like them when they exhibit certain behaviors.

I experienced this many times over the years with Helen, my dear, departed mother. I loved her unconditionally … but on any given day I might not like her one bit as she could spontaneously offer demeaning, unsolicited comments and advice. 

Same goes for other family and friends in my life from time to time. 

I’m sure they feel the same about me.

It’s normal.

But, you might say, Valentine’s Day is about something different — romantic love. Again, I offer that, if it’s not your first love rodeo, the same concept applies. Some days you love – but don’t like – your beloved because of the way he or she is carrying on.

What about marriage? you might ask. More of the same. In fact, the longer you’re married the more you realize there will always be times you don’t like your spouse’s behavior, but you love them unconditionally, nonetheless. 

And they’ve learned to do the same with you.

At times being in a good marriage is having a good sparring partner. Which is to say, there are occasions when an issue calls for little spirited ‘discussion’ to get resolved. 

Sometimes an apology. 

This brings to mind a catchphrase from the movie “Love Story,” in which Ali McGraw’s character says to Ryan O’Neal’s, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

This is bull, no matter how you interpret it. i.e. “I love you so much I will forgive you even if you won’t say you’re sorry.” Or “If you truly love me, you’ll never do anything you have to be sorry for.”

A truer catchphrase would be: “Love means we can just move on with dignity … after we say we’re sorry. Neither one of us has to grovel.”

When it comes to movies, one of my favorites is “Lovers and Other Strangers.” Especially the scene in which a young man, Ritchie, is talking to his parents, Frank and Bea Vecchio, about getting divorced … because he and his wife are not happy together, after which his dad says, “So who’s happy?” and his mom responds the same. It continues:

Richie: “You mean you and mom aren't happy?”

Frank: “No!”

Richie: “Then why did you stay together?”

Frank: (after a reflective pause) “We're content.”

Bea: “We're content.”

Frank: “These kids today, all they're looking for is happiness.”

Bea: “Don't look for happiness, Richie. It will only make you miserable.”

Sounds depressing, huh? But, at closer examination, isn’t it true that the harder we try to get happy the more elusive it becomes? And the more likely we are to avoid difficult problems that might, in their solving, produce happiness?

The same goes for relationships, romantic or otherwise.

Happiness, after all, is a byproduct of shared purpose and experience in relationships that run the whole range of feelings and call us to be mindful of ourselves … and grow.

Anyway, trying to be happy all the time is like trying to go through life hopping on one leg. We need sadness and depression to connect more deeply with others. To keep us in balance.

So, on this day I offer that you might forget about trying to be happy … or making your beloved happy. Give up, too, on seeking scorching, hot romantic love … and just try to be content. More likable.

Your Valentine will love you all the more for it.

J.T Knoll can be reached at 620-704-1309 or [email protected]